Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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