I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
