I bet he comes in French.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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