youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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