Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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