i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
