dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
