I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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