It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
vagina is talking i cant
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
