My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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