I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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