I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize