The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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