I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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