woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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