VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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