Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
