call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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