I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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