her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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