just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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