When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
