walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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