If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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