I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
