Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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