When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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