When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
