i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
