my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
