If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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