I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Of course I have a pirate flag
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
