Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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