I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
