i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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