I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
