Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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