I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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