somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
