Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
