I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
