My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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