i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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