why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
