Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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