From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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