Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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