I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
