I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
