2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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