the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize