I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
