i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
