Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
