I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Every concussion has its silver lining
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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