my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
