We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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