i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
