I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
